All the Small Things

I'm sitting here in the ER. There's a middle aged couple sitting across from me, holding and confronting each other. It's kinda cute. An older African American gentleman in a wheelchair just went through the big sliding doors into the back rooms. He was odiously nervous and doing his best to hide it with stately pleasantries, which his generation seems to have mastered. I think I would really like him if I were to get to know him. Some of his family just arrived and seem concerned. It must be hard to just wait like that. Not really knowing what's happening behind those door. Their imaginations filling in where their knowledge of the situation lacks.

The TV, Tuned to CNN gives just enough background noise to maintain a satisfactory level of confront for all under it's entrancing power. The F word is used loosely by a pair of blond girls in there late 20s. Their language and attire very distinctly places them in a just a distinct socioeconomic class. I find it all very entertaining. They don't know it but they were helping me keep my mind off why I was there.

Get 'em

This last past weekend two friends and I went to a Blink 182 concert in Pittsburgh. We spent good money on some really good seats about 7 rows back from the stage. The show was amazing but that's not what I'm writing to tell you about.

3 rows in front of us was the most gorgeous girl I'd seen all night... with about 30,000 in attendance and almost all of which in their early 20s, that's saying allot! To top it off she didn't seem to be with anyone! I couldn't take my eyes off her... none of us could. One of my friends leaned over and said "She must be with one of the band members or something..." I didn't buy it, though she was pretty enough, what douche would put their girl in the 4th row with the other common people like us. I made up my mind, I needed to talk to her.

This is a big deal to me, I've approached women before but nothing on this scale and never with the out right intention to, as quickly as possible, get her number. Just as I was working up the nerve my friends decided they needed beer. 'This is good' I thought, 'I need to figure out what I'm gonna say and could use a walk to straighten out my thoughts. So, we went and 10 minuets later came back to find that our fine friend had vanished into thin air, worse, into the mass of drunken Blinkers.

'That's fine', I said to myself, as my mind flipped through a rolodex of at least 100 valid reasons why it was a bad idea anyway. 'But what if I could have' the rolodex came to a sudden stop, 'this would have been the first time I really stepped out of my comfort zone to go after something above what I have ever gone for before!... no matter now, maybe another day.'

Blink came on and rocked our faces off, then like cattle we filed out and toward the gate. It was a truly awesome show and I was satisfied knowing that if the girl in the 4th row had stuck around for the main event that I would have... "hey look" one of my friends exclaimed, "It's that hottie in the pink shirt" and by the way the girl in the 4th row was wearing this amazing pink shirt with multi color cassette tape patter printed on the side of it. She was still alone and texting under a lamp pole. Her blond curls were lit beautify by the warm yellow light.

We walked past her a ways and just like a cheesy scene out of the first 15 min of any chick flick, I stopped and said "guys wait up, I'm gonna talk to her." I quickly turned and began to walk back to her. The next 20 steps or so went very slow, I was shock I was actually doing this. I finely reached her, and quickly realized I had never really decided on what I was going to say. She was even more gorgeous than I thought "Hi, I wanted to let you know I think your gorgeous..." ok, lame as hell but honest. "I have to know... are you dating anyone?" I said in a very queer way I'm sure. The response was "Yes I am, sorry" but she seemed flattered that I stepped out and complemented her like that. My friends were trying to look cool when I met back up with them. They commended me for the attempt and we set off for home.

The whole reason I write all of this is to say that you need to step out if you want to have what you want. I didn't get the girl, truth is I didn't try very hard either. I probably wouldn't have gotten her number even if I tried my best. However, I know that I can try harder and rejection is not going to kill me. No more excuses!! There are 1,000,000 excuses for everything. Easy outs are everywhere. Everyone takes them too. So, be different step out, get rejected once or even 100 time, as I will I'm sure. But every time that I step out I will get a little better at it. So, go out there and Get 'em... you know I will, eventually.

ordinary

I'm the best at everything I do... that is unless I suck at it, but those things aren't worth my time anyway. In my mind I'm kind, caring, gentle and loads of fun to be around, that is if you are fortunate enough to hang with me. I light up the room when I enter it... I would imagine that Jesus would act much the way I do in most if not all social situation. There is compassion in my heart for all. I weep for the sick and inferred and pray for the starving and homeless. I am magnificent beyond a doubt in the eyes of angels and men.

Ha. It's funny that I really feel this way sometimes. The truth is I couldn't wait to leave the nursing home when I was visiting my grandma. All those sick and lonely people made me sad... so I left. It's been years since I've spent as much as a minuet in conversation with a homeless man or women. I care about these thing, that is true, just not enough to do anything about it. I'm much more concerned about my education, my job, my friends and family all of which I love deeply. And that's all good stuff but it's nothing special... And until I reach out to the one who have been reaching out for so long and love the ones who think they have no love left... I am simply ordinary.

I've seen many people just like me this week. Some millionaires, other are mechanics, all ordinary. There is some peace in the fact that we are in the same boat, it's nice not being alone. This, however, dose not mean we are living to our potential. Odinary will always be unsettling.

Duck & Kitty Hawk

Thanksgiving Drive.

Wondering and weaving up and down the wide brick streets of an old upper class neighborhood. Passing large houses where the rich among the wealthy live, with the purpose of gawking, I’m thinking. Sitting in the back seat of an old Honda that rivals my own age, today it’s easy see beyond the slushy snow, damp leafless oaks, and muddy gray mid day skies. The third wheel but really not minding, I watch and can’t help but feel a little bit of what is transpiring. Out of one speaker over my left shoulder is playing underground alternative love songs form the previous decade. The music makes it tangible. The newly formed couple, driving and in the passenger seat, have to sense this. They are this.

A rather large balloon turkey sitting on a rooftop leans precariously over the gutter of his owners beautiful Tooter mansion. Out of place for sure, but entertaining all the more. After passing we weave back to our side of the road. The talk was small, no deeply emotional confessions or even great signs of affection. Just two, well three, people driving, looking, thinking, laughing, dreaming, and loving it all. The elements that made this moment so different from the moments before and after were in themselves not powerful and even negligible. When they were combined even my presence and the presence of an Ohio grim day couldn’t dampen this sacred moment where love still exists.

LOOOOOOSERRR!

You ever have one of those friends that really only hung around you for the attention and whatever else you could give them... yeah, basically like every one of your friends in high school! I wasn't "popular" (par say) in high school but I had a good rep. Managed to pull some creative and fairly gutsy stunts and could retell the stories well enough to be invited to most the cool parties and anything else fun going on. I was "in" without the pressure of being anything but me. As for my friends... that really wasn't the case.

I was the equivalent to the gateway drug to my less popular people. They would come out of the woodwork to spend time with me and go to the parties and hang out with the cool kids. Once in they would either figure out that they did not want to be there or find a place in the pretty messed up that world our friendship would be down graded to "yeah we used to hang out" or "yeah I met him" or even "who?".

Sad part is they never fit. They just wanted to be there, with the cool people, so they could say that they were there... with the cool people. They weren't anybodies friend and if they were accepted it was because they would always be willing to do whatever it took to be there... beer runs... extra cash... free labor... a ride... test the electric... be the scape goat when need be. (honestly, no preppy party is complete without some looser to take the fall if things get out of hand).

So here's the deal. If you suck at life... just wait it out. Don't do anything that's not you or that doesn't feel right. Find people that like you as the looser you are.

We are all in this together... We are all losers in one area or another and, yeah know, that doesn't even matter in the least! What matters is that we are surrounded with people that really, genuinely care about us exactly as we are... even if they are just as much a looser as we are!

Light

There is a photograph on the wall where my old cubical used to be. It sits right above the copier now. I see it every time I print something. The picture, of a giant wave braking over a lighthouse by Jean Guicahrd, is famously cliquey; a remnant of tasteful early 90’s interior design.

As I stood there staring at the picture, listening to the equally outdated printer moan and grumble about its current task, I couldn’t help but marvel at the structural integrity of that light on those rocks.

‘The force of those waves had to be tremendous’ I though. ‘How many storms had it weathered? Was that wave the biggest it had ever faced? Will it someday fall? Will the ocean win or will the light stand forever.’

I stood there waiting for the picture to move; waiting for some kind of response only to be interrupted by a loud grinding noise as my print job jammed the printer. Well, what I do know is why the picture still remains on the wall. It is clearly symbolic of weathering the storm of life. It also depicting the kind of faith a Christian ought to have. In fact I think I’ve seen this picture on a poster in the Family Christian Book Store baring the inscription “Hold Fast” or “Stay the Course” or something inspirational in all caps across the bottom. As inspirational as it may be to some, I can’t help but ask myself the same questions. ‘How many more storms can this old, weather worn worldview survive?’